Any woman will tell you that almost nothing compares to a great dialogue between friends.   You have only to witness women speed walking in pairs around countless lakes in this country sharing an endless stream of dialogue so personal and detailed it makes every passerby an eavesdropper.  So rapt they are not necessarily because they are so personally vested in the story, but because the detail they are learning through the storyteller’s word choice, tone and description is keeping their listener curious.  They respond with supportive “Oh’s” and “Ah’s” and “No she didn’t” or “I can’t believe she did,” and of course the requisite, “You are so right, I can totally relate to that!”

Since it’s difficult to stay curious about your own piece, especially after the first draft is written, committed students are advised to find a reader for their essays.  The reader will provide something called critical feedback.  Here are four things to keep in mind when extending this invitation to someone:

1. Don’t chose your reader lightly.  Don’t ask a busy older sibling, a parent, or a frienemy. Find someone who can champion you, someone whose help you’ll appreciate, and someone who won’t irritate you too much. If they don’t know how to give feedback already, please ask them to tell you the good stuff first (what worked).  Praise is the loveliest part of the feedback loop; don’t skip it.  After the well deserved positive feedback, invite them to offer thoughtful observations about what they think could be strengthened, improved or deleted altogether.

2. Make sure you get the feedback in writing. Trust me when I tell you that you might go deaf when someone is talking to you about your essay; you may also go dumb, forgetting what your reader said 10 minutes earlier.   The fact is that it’s just easier to absorb critique, even the good stuff, when you’ve had a chance to reflect on it in writing.

3. Actually read the feedback. I know I sound snarky, but many students do not read feedback.  They just tuck themselves back into their essays without considering how the feedback might improve their next draft.   My advice is to write your responses to your reader’s suggestions on a separate sheet of paper.  Don’t try to incorporate your new writing into the prior draft right away.  You might be surprised to find a new direction or discover an insight you didn’t previously own. If your first draft took the shape of a child’s building block —one massive paragraph — then the second draft will likely take more time than the first to re-write.  It is called drafting.  Aim for two or three of them.  The more consideration you give each draft the sooner it will be complete.

4. The final choice is yours.  You can take or leave what you like; you don’t have to listen to your reader on all counts.  But try to take a cue from women and children everywhere: when writing your college essays, readers want to know the details!  Make them curious about the story you are telling.  The best way to do that is to show the reader the kind of detail you would share in words with a trusted friend. Class it up a bit (but only slightly) for the essay, and you’re on the right track.

At some point, and you’ll know when, you’ll tell yourself, “I think it’s good enough.” You may feel a little uncertain, a little embarrassed, or perhaps festive and proud — I feel all of those things with my hand just resting on the “send” button.  But eventually I set it free.  And I move to the next story having become a little more daring to dialogue.